03.06.2008
It is good to hear you are OK.
if my letters are too long, tell me I will write less. I want to write you happy letters happy and long as the exile. I cannot wait to read your mails until sabado because I need to hold my heart Jessica.
try to explain him how far is Peru and that you are not here.
My parents doesn’t know it neither my brothers (as far as I know) only my few best friends. I don’t want to say it to you, I want you to remember me as man not as a baby, but you deserve the truth.
I have a weak heart. The doctors think this is something belong to some problem in my mind, The psychotherapists disagree with them.”How come people don’t like to have sex?”. Easy Jessica, when the pain is more than the joy, like in my case. I probably write it down because I Polish, to make you feel bad for me and come live here. I know you will not come live here and I won’t come live there. I know the best way is to cut down my heart, like you cut down an infected origin, to prevent the infection from spread to the rest of your body and kill: stop write you letters, erase all photos from my computer (V) and stop talk about you or anything that remind you (V). I did all I could to teach my heart a lesson to tell him it was all some physical thing, that it got nothing to that thing called “Love”. But it keeping holding back, remind me things that I know and can’t stop think about. Tell me there is hope that I will someday will live with you.
That heart made me to faint twice already in my life. I told I was not supposed to be a fighter – it was because of that. I told you that while standing by the car. and you didn’t really care – I love you for that. You were thinking about something else I hope. I never wanted to take you to an hotel, I know what it will cause me. All I want was to kiss you a minute before you will fly.
Nathan came back from the army and went hiking up in the north with a friend.
The knotted me to a tilt test to see how long it takes me to faint. A normal man doesn’t faint even after 40 minutes. It took me 7 minutes. I 21 years old wearing army uniforms and I was screaming and crying to be taken down, like a baby. “Syncope Vasovagal” they called it.
I wish I could just go to a whore like everybody, but it is enough for me to think about the poor woman from Russia that will pay most of the money I will give her to her pimp and how that will feel for her – another ugly sweating body that she just want it off her. Or about all that small baby that their mother can’t feed them and just throw them to the garbage like waste of their body.
Mom is organizing old photos so we can make a big picture from them.
When I was in South America my friend called all this sex things “The big South American Orgy“. You get down to bed with some girl you just met and will not ever remember her again in the morning. I hated it, not only because of my heart. It can be fun I guess, but I really think that you better know at least her name and some basic stuff about her (not talking about disease). It was happening especially in Cusco. Lucky for me I spent my time there with my father – that didn’t just looked around at girls and thought how to take them down to the bed at the end of the night. We set down one in Cusco with a couple of my friends “How can those Perunian girls be so stupid – you lay down with them and they think you’ll gonna stay for ever” said the boy. “The girls?! and what about the boys? they even worse because they think we really love them because we are girls” said the girl. I can now tell you know how those girls and boys felt like.
Fatma is showing me her new metal things on he teeth to make her smile look better – to change how it is set in her mouth. She will have that thing for a year and a half.
A main phrase in the army is “What does not kill – you makes you stronger (and what does kill you – makes your mother stronger)”. When you want your bone be stronger – you break it a bit and then it grows stronger. That is the way you build muscles, you work with them – break a bit and grow stronger. And what is the heart if not the strongest muscle in your body? It does not seem to work that way for my heart. I really thought that all this things about my heart are not truth – something that was and forgotten.I jumped Bungee, and jump from a plane and haven’t fainted. But seem that reality is different than what I want to believe. went to donate blood, they take a litter of blood from your body to use in hospital.
I haven’t done it for 2 years: one year I was out of country, the second year they did let me donate because they were afraid of disease. It is hard for me to see blood, like my father. It is harder to see my blood. I have to think on a different thing not to faint. But the way of avoiding thinking on you is to think on the reality. At that moment they both were hard and made – my heart jump. after almost 4 years without fainting.
Aba is OK now he got some cold, you have to be pretty skilled to get cold during summer. He is trying to cook Poike.
If I could put my finger on what makes me good when I was with you I would have go and find something similar to you. At least a replacement not to think about you. What is obvious is that I love you because you are so similar to my sister and Ima. It is psycho logic thing. Like I guess that if ever loved me it was because I don’t show feelings like your father. It is a natural thing to happen.
Guri is running across the house with the dog he just washed.
You were like a cure, you brought ease to my pains. You made me feel like it all go away Jessica.
Adam Smith said that everybody does what is good to their interests, nobody do it for his own good heart. I took you to an hotel because it made me good to make you fell good (I don’t think you deserve less that kind of hotel). And even then I had to keep an eye on myself. I spent money on you, and maybe in my first time in my life I didn’t think about how much time I had to earn that money. I was thinking about you smile, I was thinking about you thinking about jelly beans and mango tea, and then get a package with it.
I wish I could show you how much pain and efforts it costs to write down that four letters word before my name. I see girls, but no one makes me feel even a bit of how I felt when I saw you the first time.
Now after my heart has said all it had to say (it will start to think about new things the moment I will send this mail), I will let my mind talk a bit. Please Don’t feel bad or mercy for me. I write you down those things because I know you will forget about them the moment you will see you boyfriend or your lover. That will not think about it for another week until you will get another depressed e-mail from me. You deserve and you have better love than that.
Smile and laugh, I know you would. That is another thing so good about you. I just wish I could make you feel so good, as you made me. I am happy you continued with your life.
I hope you will take your vacations here and I am sure you enjoy here as you did the last time, For me I will have to think a lot if I will be able to see you (if, of course, you even thinking about seeing me).
Johnny cash/ hurt
I hurt myself today to see if I still feel
I focused on the pain
the only thing that’s real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
What have I become
my sweetest friend
everyone I knew goes away in the end
and you can have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt.
I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar’s chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
If I could find a way
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find away,
Take care
Love Gad